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纽约时报双语(双语外刊):为什么你不该对孩子大声嚷嚷?

2018-9-19 20:00| 发布者: admin| 查看: 95| 评论: 0

摘要: 为什么你不该对孩子大声嚷嚷?Why You Should Stop Yelling at Your KidsSTEPHEN MARCHE2018年9月12日YOU JUNG BYUNThe use of spanking to discipline children has been in decline for 50 years. But yelling? Al ...

为什么你不该对孩子大声嚷嚷?

Why You Should Stop Yelling at Your Kids

STEPHEN MARCHE

2018年9月12日

 

YOU JUNG BYUN

The use of spanking to discipline children has been in decline for 50 years. But yelling? Almost everybody still yells at their kids sometimes, even the parents who know it doesn’t work. Yelling may be the most widespread parental stupidity around today.

50年来,用打屁股的方式来管教孩子的现象越来越少。但大喊大叫呢?几乎所有人还是会不时地对孩子们嚷嚷,即使是那些知道这么做没用的父母。吼叫可能是当今为人父母者最不明智的行为。

Households with regular shouting incidents tend to have children with lower self-esteem and higher rates of depression. A 2014 study in The Journal of Child Development demonstrated that yelling produces results similar to physical punishment in children: increased levels of anxiety, stress and depression along with an increase in behavioral problems.

在经常大喊大叫的人家,子女的自尊心往往较弱,抑郁的比例更高。2014年发表在《儿童发育杂志》(Journal of Child Development)上的一项研究表明,冲着孩子大喊大叫会产生类似于体罚的后果:焦虑、压力和抑郁程度增加,行为问题也随之增加。

How many times in your parenting life have you thought to yourself, after yelling at your kids, “Well, that was a good decision...”?

在你为人父母的经历中,你有多少次在对孩子嚷嚷后想过“嗯,这么做对不对”?

It doesn’t make you look authoritative. It makes you look out of control to your kids. It makes you look weak. And you’re yelling, let’s be honest, because you are weak. Yelling, even more than spanking, is the response of a person who doesn’t know what else to do.

嚷嚷无助于你树立权威。这只会让孩子觉得你失控。让你看起来软弱无能。实话说吧,你之所以大喊大叫就是因为你没辙。嚷嚷甚于打屁股,是父母不知道还能怎么办的反应。

But most parents — myself included — find it hard to imagine how to get through the day without yelling. The new research on yelling presents parents with twin problems: What do I do instead? And how do I stop?

但大多数家长——包括我自己在内,发现不用嚷嚷就能度过一天真的很难。关于喊叫的最新研究向父母提出了两个问题:我应该怎么做?要怎么改掉这个习惯?

Yelling to stop your kids from running into traffic is not what we’re talking about here. We’re talking about yelling as a form of correction. Yelling for correction is ineffective as a tool and merely imprints the habit of yelling onto the children. We yell at our kids over the same stuff every day, and we yell at them some more because the original yelling doesn’t work. Put your clothes away. Come down for dinner. Don’t ride the dog. Stop hitting your brother.

我们在这里讨论的,不是你大声喊叫提醒孩子小心汽车。我们说的是把吼叫作为一种纠正方式。作为一种工具,纠正性的大喊大叫是没有效果的,不过是对孩子习惯性的嚷嚷而已。我们每天会因为同样的事情对子女叫喊,而且由于觉得没有效果,还要越叫越凶。把衣服放好!下来吃饭!不要骑在狗身上!别老打你弟弟!

The mere knowledge that yelling is bad, in itself, won’t help, said Alan Kazdin, a professor of psychology and child psychiatry at Yale. Yelling is not a strategy, it’s a release.

耶鲁大学的心理学和儿童精神病学教授艾伦·卡兹丁(Alan Kazdin)说,仅仅知道大喊大叫本身不好是没有用的。它其实并非一种管教孩子的策略,而是你自己的一种发泄手段。

“If the goal of the parent is catharsis, I want to get this out of my system and show you how mad I am, well, yelling is probably perfect,” Dr. Kazdin said. “If the goal here is to change something in the child or develop a positive habit in the child, yelling is not the way to do that.” There are other strategies, and they don’t involve screaming like a maniac.

“如果父母的目的是宣泄,我想消消气,并且向你表明我有多生气,好吧,大喊大叫可能是完美的,”卡兹丁说。“如果目标是改变孩子的某些方面,或者在孩子身上培养一种积极的习惯,那么大喊大叫可就行不通了。”还有其他的策略,无需你像疯子一样喊叫。

Many think of positivity as a form of laziness, as if parents who are positive aren’t disciplining their children. But not yelling requires advance planning and discipline for the parents, which yelling doesn’t.

很多人认为,积极正面其实是一种懒惰的表现形式,就好像那些积极正面的父母根本不会管孩子。但不许嚷嚷需要父母有提前的规划和纪律,而嚷嚷则不然。

Dr. Kazdin promotes a program called the ABCs, which stands for antecedents, behaviors and consequences. The antecedent is the setup, telling a child, specifically, what you want them to do before you want them to do it. Behaviors are where the behavior is defined and shaped, modeled by the parent. And the consequence involves an expression of approval when that behavior is performed, an over-the top Broadway-style belt-it-to-the-back-row expression of praise with an accompanying physical gesture of approval.

卡兹丁在推广一个名为ABCs的项目,它代表着前置条件(antecedents)、行为(behaviors)和后果(consequences)。前置条件是进行提前的设置,具体说,就是在你希望孩子做什么之前,先告诉他们。行为就是父母对行为进行定义、塑造和建模。后果就是当行为得到执行时,表达赞许,做出一种夸张的赞美,同时伴以表示赞同的肢体动作。

So instead of yelling at your kid every night for the shoes strewn across the floor, ask him in the morning if he can put his shoes away when he comes home. Make sure when you come home that you put your own shoes away. And if your child puts his shoes away, or even puts them closer to where they’re supposed to be, tell him that he did a great job and then hug him.

因此,不要每天晚上因为孩子把鞋到处乱丢对他大喊大叫,而是要在早上问他,能不能回家时把鞋子放好。确保你回家把自己的鞋子放好。如果你的孩子把鞋子放好了,乃至能把它们放在该放的地方附近,告诉他这样很好,然后拥抱他。

The ABC method of praise is a highly specific technique. You have to be effusive, so you actually have to put a big dumb smile on your face and even wave your hands in the air. Next thing is you have to say, in a very high, cheerful voice, exactly what you’re praising. And then the third part is you have to touch the child and give him some kind of nonverbal praise. The silliness is a feature, not a bug. It makes the kid notice the praise that accompanies correct behavior. And that’s the point.

ABC赞美法是一种非常具体的技术。你必须热情,所以必须在脸上摆出傻乎乎的笑容,甚至举起手来挥舞。接下来你要用一种非常高兴、愉快的声音,说出你赞美的内容。第三步是抚摸孩子,并给他一些不用语言表达的赞美。这种傻乎乎是它的特性而不是缺陷。它让孩子注意到伴随正确行为而来的赞美。这就是重点。

“We want to build habits,” Dr. Kazdin said. “The practice actually changes the brain, and in the process of that, the behaviors that you want to get rid of, having all kinds of temper tantrums and all the fights, all that just disappears.” Furthermore, he noted, “as a side effect, when you do these things, the parents’ depression and stress in fact go down and family relations pick up.”

“我们要养成习惯,”卡兹丁说。“这种做法实际上改变了大脑,在这个过程中,你想纠正的行为,各种闹脾气和斗争,所有这一切都消失了。”此外,他指出,“作为一个副作用,当你做这些事情时,父母的抑郁和压力实际上会下降,家庭关系会好转。”

If our kids behave better, then we won’t feel like yelling. And if we don’t yell, our kids will behave better.

如果孩子表现得更好,那么我们就不会大叫。如果我们不大叫,孩子就会表现得更好。

The beauty of having a system is that instead of reacting after your kids do something bad, instead of waiting for them to mess up and then getting angry, you have a conscious plan. But planning requires discipline on the part of the parent, and it’s tough. “We know that humans have what’s called a negativity bias,” Dr. Kazdin says. “The technical term for that in psychology is ‘normal.’ This is something in the brain, in which through evolution we are very much sensitive to negative things in the environment.”

拥有这样一个系统的美妙之处在于,它不是在孩子做了坏事之后做出反应,不是等他们搞砸事情然后生气,相反,你有一个明确的计划。但规划需要父母这边的自律,而且很难。“我们知道人类有所谓的消极偏见,”卡兹丁说。“用心理学术语讲,这叫‘正常’。这是大脑里的一种东西,通过进化,我们对环境中的负面事物非常敏感。”

We are hard-wired to yell. It’s an evolutionary survival instinct that has turned on those it was meant to protect. It’s hard to abandon yelling, because it gives us the impression that we’re parenting.

大喊大叫是我们固有的本能。这是一种进化的生存本能,取决于那些它要保护的东西。大喊大叫是很难放弃的,因为它让我们觉得这是为人父母该做的。

In the 1960s, 94 percent of parents used physical punishment. A poll in 2010 found the number had declined to 22 percent. There are probably many reasons, including the influence of a number of childhood development educators. But surely one reason has to be that the reason to spank your kids evaporates if there’s a more effective way to change their behavior that doesn’t involve violence. Why spank if it doesn’t work? The same applies to yelling: Why are you yelling? It isn’t for the kids’ sake.

在1960年代,94%的父母使用体罚。2010年的一项民意调查显示,这一数字下降至22%。这可能有很多原因,包括一些儿童发展教育者的影响。但肯定有一个原因是,如果有一种更有效的方式来改变孩子们的行为,而且不涉及暴力的行为,那么打孩子的原因就会消失。如果不起作用,为什么还要打屁股?这同样适用于大喊大叫:你为什么要大喊大叫?这不是为了孩子好。

Ultimately, techniques of discipline have to be about effectiveness, about getting through the day while trying to get your kids to do what you want and not do what you don’t want. Praise works. Punishment doesn’t.

最终,纪律技巧必须是有效的,要让孩子在一天之中做你希望的事情、不做你不希望的事情。赞美是有效的。而惩罚是无效的。

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